Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Inner Battle

Each day we all wake up and can CHOOSE to be happy or not. I don't have the energy to choose. Each day we wake up and we can CHOOSE to have a good day or bad. I have no strength to choose.
Each day we wake up and we can CHOOSE to get through the day. I have no desire to choose.

When I wake up, my mood is set and I can't get out of this. Each day I wake up and there is an inner battle going on inside my head. One that wants to hate myself and one that just wishes I could be happy. Hate wins. Most days. Today, I tried not to let it win. I tried to have the energy, strength and desire to be happy. I really did make an effort. Hate took over. Again. I don't know how to get past this. I am having a hard time loving myself right now.

My hate and guilt is taking over right now. I know that people keep thinking, insulin...no big deal. Its only for a couple months. I failed myself. My unborn child. It seems that's all I keep doing is failing those around me. In return, that just makes me feel worse. To those on the outside, it really is no big deal. Insulin isn't the end of the world. This I do know. It's the inner battle that I keep fighting thats winning. The thoughts that I keep putting into my head about myself. That's my big hang up. That's what's so hard for me. This is all my fault and I have no one to blame but myself. Not that I have to take insulin. The fact that I let this happen. That's what Im struggling with. I blame myself. Rightfully so I believe. This IS MY fault.

This is the only place I can go to express my TRUE feelings without having to feel even more guilty about admitting what I've done or how I feel to someone else. I am struggling so bad right now. I just want to be numb and not feel anything. I know thats not that solution, not the answer, but right now, I'm not ready to feel anymore than I already am. What I feel now is consuming me. I can't deal with more.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Insulin Bound

Well its been a rough couple weeks. Lots of crying, guilt, anger, depression, disgust with myself and most of all, feeling lonely.

Thank you for all your sweet comments on my last post. I agree, I am only human. I make mistakes. If this were just ME involved and I were doing this for only myself, I'd allow a few slips and or splurges. This is for my baby. It's all about her right now. I'm actually really upset and disappointed in myself lately. Especially today. Ok well again, to be honest...which is what I need to do here on this blog. I need to be honest. I need to get it all out. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this in person. I am quite disgusted with myself. Maybe you think I am being too hard on myself. Not giving myself enough credit. Well I don't agree. 9 months. Is that so hard? I couldnt put my baby first. I was too selfish. I wanted what I wanted and wasn't worried about the future. It was instant gratification. That's all that mattered in the moment. I feel terrible. Like a failure.

Saturday I had an ultrasound to measure the baby. See how big she was, how she was measuring. She is 3lbs 10oz. 81%. She is measuring 2.5 weeks ahead. She is right on with where Kasen was. I had my follow up with my Dr today to go over the results.

Back Track 2 weeks:
My Dr was noticing that I was having problems with my sugars. Instead up upping my dosage of meds, he wanted me to meet with a homecare company called Aleer. They have nurses call you a couple times a week to check in with you and work with you on your diabetes control. They also come out to visit every other week. He was relying on this to help me get through the remainder of my pregnancy. He wanted me to have contact with someone inbetween our already weekly appointments. It's been a bit of a task getting ahold of Aleer and getting them to send my info into my insurance company for approval.

Back to Today:
While at the Dr today, the first thing my Dr mentioned when he walked into the room after looking at my weekly log of all my sugars was "have you been able to meet with Aleer yet?" After explaining to him that I talked to them last week and was just waiting at this point for them to call back and let me know about insurance approval, he decided to send me to a pregnancy diabetes specialist. He said the Perinatologist would get me in sooner and we needed to go ahead and get me started on Insulin. The oral medication just wasn't cutting it. Wasn't doing its job. With instant tears in my eyes, I bowed my head and just shook it. Ok. This is what I needed to do. I agreed. In shock, in disgust, in denial. I will be starting insulin sometime this week. I know it could be worse. I know this may not seem like a big deal to most of you. But this was pretty much my choice. I chose food over my baby. I chose to eat instead of taking care of my baby. I made this happen. This is my fault. I have no one to blame but myself. Again I'm sure you are thinking....it's ok. We make mistakes, you are a good mom. She will be fine and the insulin will help.

Here is my issue:
Why did I let it get this far? Why was I so weak? Sure I have other distractions, but so do other people. But they make important things their priorities. Why couldn't I be stronger and make this baby my priority? Part of me still feels I don't deserve her. I could have easily controlled these diabetes with diet and oral medication. I did with boy my boys. I am having a really hard time living with the guilt right now. Why wasn't she good enough to make this sacrifice? Why did I put myself first? I feel for her. Who knows if she will have any medical issues when she is born. Chances are much higher since my diabetes are not under control. Which makes me feel even guiltier. This isn't her fault. It's all me.

It's all me.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Brutally Honest

I have had a lot of feelings going on for the past month or so...so many ups and downs. Some days I can ignore them, some days they really get to me. This is just a vent post, so if you don't want to know, don't read it...I haven't blogged on either of my blogs for at least 6 months. A little longer.

Shortly after I last wrote on this blog, I found out I was pregnant. What a relief, excitement, fear. It only took us 10 months this time and we did it on our own! No Drs! This is huge for us. Both my boys were so hard to bring into this world from getting pregnant, staying pregnant, being pregnant and delivery. 10 months was such a blessing. I know this little baby came into our lives when SHE was supposed to. Yep, that's right, a girl! We are naming her Sawyer Jane. We are so elated. Kasen is beyond happy too to have a sister finally. Quinn talks about "baby sauer" all the time. We all love her so much already. Again, I know she came to our family at just the right time and for the right reasons.

I can already feel a bond with this little girl from feeling her move to even buying her clothes and decorating her room. This is going to be a whole new WELCOME experience having a little girl. I am afraid of how I will handle 3 kids but I know that with all that love that I have, we will all learn together :) The Lord has blessed me to watch over another one of his sweet little spirits and I will do all that I can to take care of her.

That being said...being pregnant and diabetic is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It's frustrating, overwhelming, guilt ridden, require the utmost degree of self control, it's discouraging, hard, difficult, and any other word you can think of that would describe those above. Its a whole new level of being diabetic than Type 2 ever was. I have someone other than myself to think about when I make choices of what to eat and how to plan meals. Every ounce or bite of food I put into my mouth is not just affecting ME. This baby feels it all. Deals with it all.

This is where I get brutally honest...stop reading if you don't want to know how selfish I am...

Sometimes I just want to eat. I don't care who it affects, I don't care what it does to ME, I don't care about the future, I just want to give into temptation and eat. I am Brittany and I have an eating disorder. It's called emotional eating. Recently I have seen this post on Pinterest that says "Dont reward yourself with food. You are not a dog." roof roof! I guess I am. No matter what goes on in my life, I reward myself with food. Whether its to celebrate, to feel better or just cause I'm bored. Food is the answer. Where did this come from? How did I let myself get to this point. How do I let go? Selfish again, but you'd think that I could control my appetite long enough for a 9 month pregnancy, but I can't. Does that mean I am not grateful for this blessing of a child inside of me? I feel selfish, rotten and not worthy of this child. Heavenly Father has trusted me with this child and she isn't even born yet and I am failing her. Already.

Why can't I learn? Am I that unappreciative of this life I am carrying? I am feeling guilty, and the burden is heavy. No one gets it. People all around me, including my family, can eat whenever and whatever they want. Not feel an ounce of guilt. I try so hard to tell myself I don't need it. To talk myself out of it. Then I eventually cave. I give in and eat it. I need this to change. I need to focus my thoughts and feelings elsewhere. It's so so hard. There are hard choices around me at every moment. Food everywhere. I know this is crazy to some of you who don't have such a focus on food...but it's like being an alcoholic and walking into a liquor store to go to the bathroom. The temptation is ALL around you. There it is, in your face. Calling to you. Go ahead and laugh, but I am crying as I write this because I have a serious problem.

I am beating myself up on the inside cause I keep messing up. No matter how hard I try, there is always a set back, an excuse or a "slip"...my poor baby girl deserves better. I need to change, to need to. Those who are around me know that I always say stuff like "im going to kill my baby" when I try to avoid a food I shouldn't eat. Or a craving I have. Well you know, there is ALWAYS some sort of truth the sarcasm that is spilled out of peoples mouths. I fear every single day that one day she will just stop moving and that will be that. It is my biggest fear. To deliver a stillborn baby. That will happen if I can't get my eating under control. Eating is my addiction. Addiction kills. Im sure those few that actually read this blog are reading this and thinking, then stop eating! Just don't do it. Your baby is worth it. I agree, she is absolutely worth it. I agree, I am being selfish. I did so much better when I was pregnant with my boys. Part of me hates to admit this, or even think about it, but sometimes I wonder if because I got pregnant so "easily and quickly" this time that I don't appreciate my pregnancy as much this time around. That I didn't work hard enough because I can't even sacrifice food for 9 months like I could the other 2 times being pregnant.

I am constantly reminded everyday about this sweet spirit Im carrying when she moves, kicks or even hiccups. When I have to take my load of pills every night and every morning just to keep her safe and alive. I need to give up food. I need to. I need to make other things a priority. It's just food, right?! She is worth it. I am worth it. There are much more pleasurable things in life than food. Until I guess I believe my own words, I will keep screwing up, making bad choices and living with the guilt. I pray that I can take my own advice and realize what a blessing I am being given. That I will be able to give up on food as a default to any emotion and that I can focus my excitement, fear, anxiety or whatever, elsewhere.

So there you have it. I am selfish. I am ungrateful. I am guilty.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Getting there

My sugars are getting a bit closer to where I want them to be. I have been testing a lot more lately than I have in months. I have become a little obsessed with it to be honest. After dinner last night, it was 159. Not too bad! I am still working on my morning number. For some reason my fasting number is and always has been the highest. Apparently my body produces too much insulin in the middle of the night. Still need to work on morning numbers. I need to keep these consistant so that I can get pregnant. Being healthy and getting pregnant, those are my ultimate goals. My sugars are actually more under control when I am pregnant so I am not worried about that. My sugar after dinner today was 220. Not so good. I start taking my metformin in the morning again tomorrow, which honestly, I am not too excited about. It causes me stomach problems when I first start taking it. With doing boot camp and being on a diet, stomach problems is the last thing I want. I guess I will just have to suck it up and deal with it in order to be healthy. Right? RIGHT!

Friday, April 8, 2011

My Life is Changing

As I sat in the doctors office today waiting for the PA Jessica to come in, I was worried, concerned and felt doubt. Would I really be able to get my Type 2 Diabetes under control? My life was so different. I thought back to the day when I was diagnosed almost 4 years ago. I was feeling the same shock, pain, disbelief, agony and embarassment today as I felt then. I was 26 and diagnosed with diabetes. My life was never going to be the same. Those were my feelings then. Back to today. Jessica, the cute pregnant PA came in and greeted me with a little surprise in her eyes. I am sure the surprise was shared in both of our eyes. You see, Jeremy and I have been trying to get pregnant since August and to see her adorable little belly walk in the room was a little sad. I want that. That's where I want to be. I am starting to realize that I have a long ways to go before that can be me again. Jessica sits down and asks me how long I have had diabetes. I explain to her a little bit of my background. How my father is diabetic, I had gestational diabetes with my first pregnancy and also how I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). She then looked at me with sad eyes. "I'm so sorry you have so much going on, you are 30, right?" I replied yes she then followed with "You have 2 boys at home who need their mommy. We need you to get this under control so you can be here for a long time and take care of them." Those words have been said to me before. Why did they seem to hit home this time? Why did it bring tears to my eyes? I knew she was right. I've seen the damage of uncontrolled diabetes. I know what can happen. I need to be there for my boys. It's not an option. As we talked about getting my levels where they needed to be, we talked about getting a Diabetes educator to come talk to me. I've had diabetes for year, but I need a refresher course. I need some reminders. I need to know this isn't the end of my world. I guess 4 years down the road I am still in a little bit of denial. This is no joke. Diabetes is real and I have it. I cant just live my life pretending I am healthy and ok. I CAN be, but right now I am not. Sometimes I feel so alone in this. I feel like no one gets it. I know that I have support, but I want someone who gets it. Someone who knows how it feels to not just be able to eat whatever they want, when they want it. But someone who understands why I cant do that. Knows what will happen when I do. I feel like im sounding like an ingrate. I really am grateful for all the support I have from my family and friends. I do appreciate it. One step at a time. I go back in Monday for some lab tests. We will take our next course of action depending on those results. I haven't had labs done since August so cleary those won't be accurate. However, they were some scary results. I wasn't treating my diabetes with diet or medication at the time. I had just stopped nursing and was at my dr to get back on meds. Hopefully since I have gotten back on meds at least my results will be a bit better this time. I don't expect them to be where they need to be, I haven't been doing everything I need to. I just started doing that about 3 weeks ago. We will see how it goes. One day at a time. One day at a time. It seems so overwhelming when I think of it as the rest of my life. I just need to take it one day at a time. Heck, one MEAL at a time. One decision at a time. I need to take care of myself. It's not always easy. I deserve it though. My boys deserve it. My Husband deserves it. I'm not saying im not ever going to screw up. Im not saying Im going to be perfect and that I will have perfect levels all the time. My goal right now is just to get my diabetes under control. Overall. I know that with the Lord all things are possible and that as long as I keep him in my life and by my side I will be able to conquer this disease.