Sunday, April 10, 2011

Getting there

My sugars are getting a bit closer to where I want them to be. I have been testing a lot more lately than I have in months. I have become a little obsessed with it to be honest. After dinner last night, it was 159. Not too bad! I am still working on my morning number. For some reason my fasting number is and always has been the highest. Apparently my body produces too much insulin in the middle of the night. Still need to work on morning numbers. I need to keep these consistant so that I can get pregnant. Being healthy and getting pregnant, those are my ultimate goals. My sugars are actually more under control when I am pregnant so I am not worried about that. My sugar after dinner today was 220. Not so good. I start taking my metformin in the morning again tomorrow, which honestly, I am not too excited about. It causes me stomach problems when I first start taking it. With doing boot camp and being on a diet, stomach problems is the last thing I want. I guess I will just have to suck it up and deal with it in order to be healthy. Right? RIGHT!

Friday, April 8, 2011

My Life is Changing

As I sat in the doctors office today waiting for the PA Jessica to come in, I was worried, concerned and felt doubt. Would I really be able to get my Type 2 Diabetes under control? My life was so different. I thought back to the day when I was diagnosed almost 4 years ago. I was feeling the same shock, pain, disbelief, agony and embarassment today as I felt then. I was 26 and diagnosed with diabetes. My life was never going to be the same. Those were my feelings then. Back to today. Jessica, the cute pregnant PA came in and greeted me with a little surprise in her eyes. I am sure the surprise was shared in both of our eyes. You see, Jeremy and I have been trying to get pregnant since August and to see her adorable little belly walk in the room was a little sad. I want that. That's where I want to be. I am starting to realize that I have a long ways to go before that can be me again. Jessica sits down and asks me how long I have had diabetes. I explain to her a little bit of my background. How my father is diabetic, I had gestational diabetes with my first pregnancy and also how I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). She then looked at me with sad eyes. "I'm so sorry you have so much going on, you are 30, right?" I replied yes she then followed with "You have 2 boys at home who need their mommy. We need you to get this under control so you can be here for a long time and take care of them." Those words have been said to me before. Why did they seem to hit home this time? Why did it bring tears to my eyes? I knew she was right. I've seen the damage of uncontrolled diabetes. I know what can happen. I need to be there for my boys. It's not an option. As we talked about getting my levels where they needed to be, we talked about getting a Diabetes educator to come talk to me. I've had diabetes for year, but I need a refresher course. I need some reminders. I need to know this isn't the end of my world. I guess 4 years down the road I am still in a little bit of denial. This is no joke. Diabetes is real and I have it. I cant just live my life pretending I am healthy and ok. I CAN be, but right now I am not. Sometimes I feel so alone in this. I feel like no one gets it. I know that I have support, but I want someone who gets it. Someone who knows how it feels to not just be able to eat whatever they want, when they want it. But someone who understands why I cant do that. Knows what will happen when I do. I feel like im sounding like an ingrate. I really am grateful for all the support I have from my family and friends. I do appreciate it. One step at a time. I go back in Monday for some lab tests. We will take our next course of action depending on those results. I haven't had labs done since August so cleary those won't be accurate. However, they were some scary results. I wasn't treating my diabetes with diet or medication at the time. I had just stopped nursing and was at my dr to get back on meds. Hopefully since I have gotten back on meds at least my results will be a bit better this time. I don't expect them to be where they need to be, I haven't been doing everything I need to. I just started doing that about 3 weeks ago. We will see how it goes. One day at a time. One day at a time. It seems so overwhelming when I think of it as the rest of my life. I just need to take it one day at a time. Heck, one MEAL at a time. One decision at a time. I need to take care of myself. It's not always easy. I deserve it though. My boys deserve it. My Husband deserves it. I'm not saying im not ever going to screw up. Im not saying Im going to be perfect and that I will have perfect levels all the time. My goal right now is just to get my diabetes under control. Overall. I know that with the Lord all things are possible and that as long as I keep him in my life and by my side I will be able to conquer this disease.