Each day we all wake up and can CHOOSE to be happy or not. I don't have the energy to choose. Each day we wake up and we can CHOOSE to have a good day or bad. I have no strength to choose.
Each day we wake up and we can CHOOSE to get through the day. I have no desire to choose.
When I wake up, my mood is set and I can't get out of this. Each day I wake up and there is an inner battle going on inside my head. One that wants to hate myself and one that just wishes I could be happy. Hate wins. Most days. Today, I tried not to let it win. I tried to have the energy, strength and desire to be happy. I really did make an effort. Hate took over. Again. I don't know how to get past this. I am having a hard time loving myself right now.
My hate and guilt is taking over right now. I know that people keep thinking, insulin...no big deal. Its only for a couple months. I failed myself. My unborn child. It seems that's all I keep doing is failing those around me. In return, that just makes me feel worse. To those on the outside, it really is no big deal. Insulin isn't the end of the world. This I do know. It's the inner battle that I keep fighting thats winning. The thoughts that I keep putting into my head about myself. That's my big hang up. That's what's so hard for me. This is all my fault and I have no one to blame but myself. Not that I have to take insulin. The fact that I let this happen. That's what Im struggling with. I blame myself. Rightfully so I believe. This IS MY fault.
This is the only place I can go to express my TRUE feelings without having to feel even more guilty about admitting what I've done or how I feel to someone else. I am struggling so bad right now. I just want to be numb and not feel anything. I know thats not that solution, not the answer, but right now, I'm not ready to feel anymore than I already am. What I feel now is consuming me. I can't deal with more.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Insulin Bound
Well its been a rough couple weeks. Lots of crying, guilt, anger, depression, disgust with myself and most of all, feeling lonely.
Thank you for all your sweet comments on my last post. I agree, I am only human. I make mistakes. If this were just ME involved and I were doing this for only myself, I'd allow a few slips and or splurges. This is for my baby. It's all about her right now. I'm actually really upset and disappointed in myself lately. Especially today. Ok well again, to be honest...which is what I need to do here on this blog. I need to be honest. I need to get it all out. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this in person. I am quite disgusted with myself. Maybe you think I am being too hard on myself. Not giving myself enough credit. Well I don't agree. 9 months. Is that so hard? I couldnt put my baby first. I was too selfish. I wanted what I wanted and wasn't worried about the future. It was instant gratification. That's all that mattered in the moment. I feel terrible. Like a failure.
Saturday I had an ultrasound to measure the baby. See how big she was, how she was measuring. She is 3lbs 10oz. 81%. She is measuring 2.5 weeks ahead. She is right on with where Kasen was. I had my follow up with my Dr today to go over the results.
Back Track 2 weeks:
My Dr was noticing that I was having problems with my sugars. Instead up upping my dosage of meds, he wanted me to meet with a homecare company called Aleer. They have nurses call you a couple times a week to check in with you and work with you on your diabetes control. They also come out to visit every other week. He was relying on this to help me get through the remainder of my pregnancy. He wanted me to have contact with someone inbetween our already weekly appointments. It's been a bit of a task getting ahold of Aleer and getting them to send my info into my insurance company for approval.
Back to Today:
While at the Dr today, the first thing my Dr mentioned when he walked into the room after looking at my weekly log of all my sugars was "have you been able to meet with Aleer yet?" After explaining to him that I talked to them last week and was just waiting at this point for them to call back and let me know about insurance approval, he decided to send me to a pregnancy diabetes specialist. He said the Perinatologist would get me in sooner and we needed to go ahead and get me started on Insulin. The oral medication just wasn't cutting it. Wasn't doing its job. With instant tears in my eyes, I bowed my head and just shook it. Ok. This is what I needed to do. I agreed. In shock, in disgust, in denial. I will be starting insulin sometime this week. I know it could be worse. I know this may not seem like a big deal to most of you. But this was pretty much my choice. I chose food over my baby. I chose to eat instead of taking care of my baby. I made this happen. This is my fault. I have no one to blame but myself. Again I'm sure you are thinking....it's ok. We make mistakes, you are a good mom. She will be fine and the insulin will help.
Here is my issue:
Why did I let it get this far? Why was I so weak? Sure I have other distractions, but so do other people. But they make important things their priorities. Why couldn't I be stronger and make this baby my priority? Part of me still feels I don't deserve her. I could have easily controlled these diabetes with diet and oral medication. I did with boy my boys. I am having a really hard time living with the guilt right now. Why wasn't she good enough to make this sacrifice? Why did I put myself first? I feel for her. Who knows if she will have any medical issues when she is born. Chances are much higher since my diabetes are not under control. Which makes me feel even guiltier. This isn't her fault. It's all me.
It's all me.
Thank you for all your sweet comments on my last post. I agree, I am only human. I make mistakes. If this were just ME involved and I were doing this for only myself, I'd allow a few slips and or splurges. This is for my baby. It's all about her right now. I'm actually really upset and disappointed in myself lately. Especially today. Ok well again, to be honest...which is what I need to do here on this blog. I need to be honest. I need to get it all out. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this in person. I am quite disgusted with myself. Maybe you think I am being too hard on myself. Not giving myself enough credit. Well I don't agree. 9 months. Is that so hard? I couldnt put my baby first. I was too selfish. I wanted what I wanted and wasn't worried about the future. It was instant gratification. That's all that mattered in the moment. I feel terrible. Like a failure.
Saturday I had an ultrasound to measure the baby. See how big she was, how she was measuring. She is 3lbs 10oz. 81%. She is measuring 2.5 weeks ahead. She is right on with where Kasen was. I had my follow up with my Dr today to go over the results.
Back Track 2 weeks:
My Dr was noticing that I was having problems with my sugars. Instead up upping my dosage of meds, he wanted me to meet with a homecare company called Aleer. They have nurses call you a couple times a week to check in with you and work with you on your diabetes control. They also come out to visit every other week. He was relying on this to help me get through the remainder of my pregnancy. He wanted me to have contact with someone inbetween our already weekly appointments. It's been a bit of a task getting ahold of Aleer and getting them to send my info into my insurance company for approval.
Back to Today:
While at the Dr today, the first thing my Dr mentioned when he walked into the room after looking at my weekly log of all my sugars was "have you been able to meet with Aleer yet?" After explaining to him that I talked to them last week and was just waiting at this point for them to call back and let me know about insurance approval, he decided to send me to a pregnancy diabetes specialist. He said the Perinatologist would get me in sooner and we needed to go ahead and get me started on Insulin. The oral medication just wasn't cutting it. Wasn't doing its job. With instant tears in my eyes, I bowed my head and just shook it. Ok. This is what I needed to do. I agreed. In shock, in disgust, in denial. I will be starting insulin sometime this week. I know it could be worse. I know this may not seem like a big deal to most of you. But this was pretty much my choice. I chose food over my baby. I chose to eat instead of taking care of my baby. I made this happen. This is my fault. I have no one to blame but myself. Again I'm sure you are thinking....it's ok. We make mistakes, you are a good mom. She will be fine and the insulin will help.
Here is my issue:
Why did I let it get this far? Why was I so weak? Sure I have other distractions, but so do other people. But they make important things their priorities. Why couldn't I be stronger and make this baby my priority? Part of me still feels I don't deserve her. I could have easily controlled these diabetes with diet and oral medication. I did with boy my boys. I am having a really hard time living with the guilt right now. Why wasn't she good enough to make this sacrifice? Why did I put myself first? I feel for her. Who knows if she will have any medical issues when she is born. Chances are much higher since my diabetes are not under control. Which makes me feel even guiltier. This isn't her fault. It's all me.
It's all me.
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