Insulin Bound

Well its been a rough couple weeks. Lots of crying, guilt, anger, depression, disgust with myself and most of all, feeling lonely.

Thank you for all your sweet comments on my last post. I agree, I am only human. I make mistakes. If this were just ME involved and I were doing this for only myself, I'd allow a few slips and or splurges. This is for my baby. It's all about her right now. I'm actually really upset and disappointed in myself lately. Especially today. Ok well again, to be honest...which is what I need to do here on this blog. I need to be honest. I need to get it all out. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this in person. I am quite disgusted with myself. Maybe you think I am being too hard on myself. Not giving myself enough credit. Well I don't agree. 9 months. Is that so hard? I couldnt put my baby first. I was too selfish. I wanted what I wanted and wasn't worried about the future. It was instant gratification. That's all that mattered in the moment. I feel terrible. Like a failure.

Saturday I had an ultrasound to measure the baby. See how big she was, how she was measuring. She is 3lbs 10oz. 81%. She is measuring 2.5 weeks ahead. She is right on with where Kasen was. I had my follow up with my Dr today to go over the results.

Back Track 2 weeks:
My Dr was noticing that I was having problems with my sugars. Instead up upping my dosage of meds, he wanted me to meet with a homecare company called Aleer. They have nurses call you a couple times a week to check in with you and work with you on your diabetes control. They also come out to visit every other week. He was relying on this to help me get through the remainder of my pregnancy. He wanted me to have contact with someone inbetween our already weekly appointments. It's been a bit of a task getting ahold of Aleer and getting them to send my info into my insurance company for approval.


Back to Today:
While at the Dr today, the first thing my Dr mentioned when he walked into the room after looking at my weekly log of all my sugars was "have you been able to meet with Aleer yet?" After explaining to him that I talked to them last week and was just waiting at this point for them to call back and let me know about insurance approval, he decided to send me to a pregnancy diabetes specialist. He said the Perinatologist would get me in sooner and we needed to go ahead and get me started on Insulin. The oral medication just wasn't cutting it. Wasn't doing its job. With instant tears in my eyes, I bowed my head and just shook it. Ok. This is what I needed to do. I agreed. In shock, in disgust, in denial. I will be starting insulin sometime this week. I know it could be worse. I know this may not seem like a big deal to most of you. But this was pretty much my choice. I chose food over my baby. I chose to eat instead of taking care of my baby. I made this happen. This is my fault. I have no one to blame but myself. Again I'm sure you are thinking....it's ok. We make mistakes, you are a good mom. She will be fine and the insulin will help.

Here is my issue:
Why did I let it get this far? Why was I so weak? Sure I have other distractions, but so do other people. But they make important things their priorities. Why couldn't I be stronger and make this baby my priority? Part of me still feels I don't deserve her. I could have easily controlled these diabetes with diet and oral medication. I did with boy my boys. I am having a really hard time living with the guilt right now. Why wasn't she good enough to make this sacrifice? Why did I put myself first? I feel for her. Who knows if she will have any medical issues when she is born. Chances are much higher since my diabetes are not under control. Which makes me feel even guiltier. This isn't her fault. It's all me.


It's all me.