Brutally Honest

I have had a lot of feelings going on for the past month or so...so many ups and downs. Some days I can ignore them, some days they really get to me. This is just a vent post, so if you don't want to know, don't read it...I haven't blogged on either of my blogs for at least 6 months. A little longer.

Shortly after I last wrote on this blog, I found out I was pregnant. What a relief, excitement, fear. It only took us 10 months this time and we did it on our own! No Drs! This is huge for us. Both my boys were so hard to bring into this world from getting pregnant, staying pregnant, being pregnant and delivery. 10 months was such a blessing. I know this little baby came into our lives when SHE was supposed to. Yep, that's right, a girl! We are naming her Sawyer Jane. We are so elated. Kasen is beyond happy too to have a sister finally. Quinn talks about "baby sauer" all the time. We all love her so much already. Again, I know she came to our family at just the right time and for the right reasons.

I can already feel a bond with this little girl from feeling her move to even buying her clothes and decorating her room. This is going to be a whole new WELCOME experience having a little girl. I am afraid of how I will handle 3 kids but I know that with all that love that I have, we will all learn together :) The Lord has blessed me to watch over another one of his sweet little spirits and I will do all that I can to take care of her.

That being said...being pregnant and diabetic is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It's frustrating, overwhelming, guilt ridden, require the utmost degree of self control, it's discouraging, hard, difficult, and any other word you can think of that would describe those above. Its a whole new level of being diabetic than Type 2 ever was. I have someone other than myself to think about when I make choices of what to eat and how to plan meals. Every ounce or bite of food I put into my mouth is not just affecting ME. This baby feels it all. Deals with it all.

This is where I get brutally honest...stop reading if you don't want to know how selfish I am...











Sometimes I just want to eat. I don't care who it affects, I don't care what it does to ME, I don't care about the future, I just want to give into temptation and eat. I am Brittany and I have an eating disorder. It's called emotional eating. Recently I have seen this post on Pinterest that says "Dont reward yourself with food. You are not a dog." roof roof! I guess I am. No matter what goes on in my life, I reward myself with food. Whether its to celebrate, to feel better or just cause I'm bored. Food is the answer. Where did this come from? How did I let myself get to this point. How do I let go? Selfish again, but you'd think that I could control my appetite long enough for a 9 month pregnancy, but I can't. Does that mean I am not grateful for this blessing of a child inside of me? I feel selfish, rotten and not worthy of this child. Heavenly Father has trusted me with this child and she isn't even born yet and I am failing her. Already.

Why can't I learn? Am I that unappreciative of this life I am carrying? I am feeling guilty, and the burden is heavy. No one gets it. People all around me, including my family, can eat whenever and whatever they want. Not feel an ounce of guilt. I try so hard to tell myself I don't need it. To talk myself out of it. Then I eventually cave. I give in and eat it. I need this to change. I need to focus my thoughts and feelings elsewhere. It's so so hard. There are hard choices around me at every moment. Food everywhere. I know this is crazy to some of you who don't have such a focus on food...but it's like being an alcoholic and walking into a liquor store to go to the bathroom. The temptation is ALL around you. There it is, in your face. Calling to you. Go ahead and laugh, but I am crying as I write this because I have a serious problem.

I am beating myself up on the inside cause I keep messing up. No matter how hard I try, there is always a set back, an excuse or a "slip"...my poor baby girl deserves better. I need to change, to need to. Those who are around me know that I always say stuff like "im going to kill my baby" when I try to avoid a food I shouldn't eat. Or a craving I have. Well you know, there is ALWAYS some sort of truth the sarcasm that is spilled out of peoples mouths. I fear every single day that one day she will just stop moving and that will be that. It is my biggest fear. To deliver a stillborn baby. That will happen if I can't get my eating under control. Eating is my addiction. Addiction kills. Im sure those few that actually read this blog are reading this and thinking, then stop eating! Just don't do it. Your baby is worth it. I agree, she is absolutely worth it. I agree, I am being selfish. I did so much better when I was pregnant with my boys. Part of me hates to admit this, or even think about it, but sometimes I wonder if because I got pregnant so "easily and quickly" this time that I don't appreciate my pregnancy as much this time around. That I didn't work hard enough because I can't even sacrifice food for 9 months like I could the other 2 times being pregnant.

I am constantly reminded everyday about this sweet spirit Im carrying when she moves, kicks or even hiccups. When I have to take my load of pills every night and every morning just to keep her safe and alive. I need to give up food. I need to. I need to make other things a priority. It's just food, right?! She is worth it. I am worth it. There are much more pleasurable things in life than food. Until I guess I believe my own words, I will keep screwing up, making bad choices and living with the guilt. I pray that I can take my own advice and realize what a blessing I am being given. That I will be able to give up on food as a default to any emotion and that I can focus my excitement, fear, anxiety or whatever, elsewhere.


So there you have it. I am selfish. I am ungrateful. I am guilty.