Inner Battle

Each day we all wake up and can CHOOSE to be happy or not. I don't have the energy to choose. Each day we wake up and we can CHOOSE to have a good day or bad. I have no strength to choose.
Each day we wake up and we can CHOOSE to get through the day. I have no desire to choose.

When I wake up, my mood is set and I can't get out of this. Each day I wake up and there is an inner battle going on inside my head. One that wants to hate myself and one that just wishes I could be happy. Hate wins. Most days. Today, I tried not to let it win. I tried to have the energy, strength and desire to be happy. I really did make an effort. Hate took over. Again. I don't know how to get past this. I am having a hard time loving myself right now.

My hate and guilt is taking over right now. I know that people keep thinking, insulin...no big deal. Its only for a couple months. I failed myself. My unborn child. It seems that's all I keep doing is failing those around me. In return, that just makes me feel worse. To those on the outside, it really is no big deal. Insulin isn't the end of the world. This I do know. It's the inner battle that I keep fighting thats winning. The thoughts that I keep putting into my head about myself. That's my big hang up. That's what's so hard for me. This is all my fault and I have no one to blame but myself. Not that I have to take insulin. The fact that I let this happen. That's what Im struggling with. I blame myself. Rightfully so I believe. This IS MY fault.

This is the only place I can go to express my TRUE feelings without having to feel even more guilty about admitting what I've done or how I feel to someone else. I am struggling so bad right now. I just want to be numb and not feel anything. I know thats not that solution, not the answer, but right now, I'm not ready to feel anymore than I already am. What I feel now is consuming me. I can't deal with more.